Will- “And what don’t you like about this person?”
Emma- “He hates himself. He thinks he is a failure and that everything he does is worthless and shameful. He’s experienced so much pain to a point where he felt so much that today, he just wants to feel numbness, it makes him feel safe now. He just wants to feel nothing. This numbness; it makes him feel safe now. But it’s really just poisoning what is left of him.”
- Glee (TV series)
For anyone who might feel like this,
Sometimes your mind and body clings to the ground and eyes seek for one, and only one thing. Peace. The peace of sensation and the peace that lies beneath happiness. Yet it still eases you so you keep it. Even if it means diving inside a void.
At that time everything motionless seems good. Better than before, because of the pain you crossed paths with, in the past. It is okay to engulf in that numbness because there is much darker outside. However, the cave you dig yourself in for the harmony of your soul can't keep you safe forever. It is all for nothing because that motionless picture isn't worth watching if you can't feel it. Feelings are the essence of life, they are the actual definition of beauty. Even if it's sorrow or regret or misery. In the end, they might hurt you but they'll teach you more than the pain dwelling inside. So feel, let the early sunlight caress your face. Let your dog bark at you with love and longing when he watches you calling to him. Let life give you one more reason to live and feel because you deserve it. Your pain might be a lot but the beauty that beholds your future is enough to heal it.
What you will miss, if you miss on to life?
You step outside to run errands. Let the light and warmth of the sun caress your face. Let it warm you, heal you. You go and hang out with friends at a restaurant. Everyone's laughing at some joke but you just can't. Try to remember the times they made you laugh till you were crying. Those times will come again. You walk back home and it starts to rain. Go run in it till your legs start to hurt and you're absolutely soaked. Jump in puddles and spin around till you are dizzy. You're listening to music, and even though you don't feel like it, pretend you're ten years old, and perform for your family. You see a sunset. Look at how perfectly hues of light pink and roseate mix together and surround you. How there are so many things besides the cold darkness all around. Reach for those beautiful things when you feel like you're falling. Reach for the things that put even a small, tiny smile on your face. They'll be strong enough to hold on to.
If you read till here hope you see the light soon. I know it feels like it'll never end. The emptiness, the cold numbness, the loneliness. And I know how frustrating it is to feel like you're trapped and stuck, but it does. I promise you it does, so please don't close the book because you think it's ended. There are still chapters filled with laughter and peace.
