Dear Heartbreaker

TRIGGER WARNING: MENTION OF SU*CIDE, DEPRESSION

Love is beautiful, it’s blind. We all fall in it, once in life. It’s a journey where you make memories that never fade away, each little thing becomes a new story. I was taught to love without limits, a love without sufferings, a love beyond boundaries. I always questioned myself and deemed myself as unworthy. Will I ever find someone to accept my flaws? Will I harm myself to feel better? How can I fall in love without breaking my heart into a million pieces?

Unloving someone is the gift that you know will remain unopened. Unloving someone is forgetting the memory you wanted to survive with the rest of your life. Unloving is the stage where you break down to heal beautifully. What if I tell you my love was the most precious thing I could have given? You will realise it when you have no one to come and sit by your side when you break down. You will realise it when you have no one to help you heal your broken heart. You will realise my worth but you know what, before that, I will realise my own. I am still on the edge where I keep asking God to tell you that my love for you will never fade away. What if I tell you that I ask God every day to fade that love I have? Instead, I want to fade. Fading myself in the colour of blue where my veins slightly colour themselves and my face turns red. I tell God everyday to paint me with his beautiful colours, and define me as 'dead'. He tells me every day , “You will get better “ and I ask him, "When?"; that's when He disappears.

The day you made me feel unwanted, that's when I stopped wanting myself too. I became indifferent to my surroundings because you made me miserable. I look at the ceiling fan and all it suggests are ways of dying by suicide. I sometimes ponder, why is it not the same with you? Why is it that none of this matters to you?

We have parted our ways and I sincerely hope you are happy, wherever you are. I promise you that from now, I would never disturb you, I will be standing at our favourite spot. Whenever you realise that my love was sufficient to complete you, you can come and make me yours..

-Tia Sardana

Instagram: @_tiasardana_