TRIGGER WARNING: MENTION OF BLADE, SU*CIDE
At 12 midnight
She twists and turns
As the bedsheets crumble
She looks at the blade
On her bedside table
She resists the urge
To test it against her skin
And goes back into
The state of contemplative void
At 2.30 A.M.
She stares at the ceiling
It’s full of stars
The glow in the dark stickers
Which built her haven
The memory of home
Makes her smile
At 3.45 A.M.
As she fixes her gaze
On the empty colourless walls,
She eventually dozes off
Her pacing mind
Finally rests a little
As it prepares
For another day of struggle
At 6.30 A.M.
She wakes up
Her hands sweaty
Her breath uneven
And her eyes puffy
From the nightmare
Instinctively,
She picks up the knife
And sees her whole life in front of her
Her first poetry competition
Her first summer camp
Her first kiss
At 6.45 A.M.
As the sun comes up
In all shades of yellow,
The gentle breeze
Comes in through the open window
And caresses her on the face
She feels afraid
Afraid to let it all go
Just then,
Her phone vibrates
It’s a good morning message
From mom
At 7.00 A.M.
Her mouth twitches into a smile
As she tries to think
Of the last time
When her mom hadn’t sent a good morning message
When her dad hadn’t gifted her M&Ms on Christmas
When her friend hadn’t held her hand when she wanted to run away
When her teacher hadn’t told her that she’s proud of her
At 7.15 A.M.
She’s still scared
Not because she’s risking it all
But because she’s ready
To not curl up in the blanket
And face another day of battle
And still survive it
-Priyamvada Rajpal
Instagram ID: @_priyarajpal
