TRIGGER WARNING: SU*CIDE AND MENTION OF S*LF H*RM
Today, I rolled up the blinds, the bright winter sun is spreading its shine throughout my room. It seems like it was waiting for me to welcome it, like it knew that one day I would welcome it. I like how it feels on my skin, warm and comfortable, slowly healing all my scars. Yesterday night, I didn’t think I would wake up to see this when I was yet again moments away from shutting myself to the outside world but maybe that’s why we say ‘new day, new beginning’. I used to tell myself I’m getting upset over nothing, but it’s not just ‘nothing’. That one hate comment on my post pointing out my biggest insecurity, the looks I got when I asked for an extra slice of pizza, that relative giving me home remedies for fairer skin, my friend saying “I’m so glad I don’t have to live like you, I feel so sorry for you,” all of this, it’s not just nothing. I don’t pick up the razor, I don’t have to because the words they leave enough scars. However, today morning is different. I slept uncomfortably cuddled up under the covers but woke up to a hand on my head and a kiss on my cheek. It was her. She said that she hears me, she sees my troubles, she understands how the world treats me and she knows I want to escape it all. She told me a quote which says that even though the sun is gorgeous, nobody appreciates it, hardly anyone wakes up to adore it’s beauty but that doesn’t mean the sun will stop rising, it’s still there every morning, bright and beautiful. She said she’s proud of me for just waking up. She said she believes in me. And so I got up and opened the blinds, she maybe a figment of my imagination, but the sun and my healed scars are not.
-Anusha Chadha Instagram: @anushaaac
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